Worst Director in Film History

When it comes to Hollywood's directors, all us film critics have our cream of the crop. Their our  Spielbergs, our Kubricks, our Scorseses and every time they're gearing up for a new project, we can practically see the money trying to sneak its way out of our wallets to buy the first ticket possible for opening night.

But in this metaphorical schoolyard of the film industry, there's always those annoying kids you just wish... no...pray won't come near you. Sometimes out of personal distaste and others, out of a decent moral code. These loud, obnoxious and occasionally offensive movies are done with such a common thread of vision that you can't help but think to yourself...

"Dude! Just...go...away!"

Personally I like to always give directors a chance to prove me wrong. But sometimes the proof is so blatantly obvious that there's just little to no salvaging the project. Is it just bad luck or are these directors actually the diabolical masterminds we've imagined them to be? Let's get started by tackling Hollywood's Most Wanted List with the most infamous names in the business...

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Is it...................UWE BOLL?

"Yes...clearly beating a critic in a boxing match proves you're a great director.
Forgive us, Boll! We did not know!"


If you remember the movie adaptations of Dungeon Siege, Alone in the Dark or BloodRayne...well friend, that photographic memory of yours is one sharp double-edged sword. For those titles are the works of Dr. Boll, a filmmaker and amateur boxer.

Boll has spent the majority of his film career turning video games into thinly written, low-budget action movies. And just in case your slow in picking up a clue...they're all terrible.

Constantly his movies are loaded with production errors, his cast members are quite often put into just laughable performances and too many a time his movies are so distant from the video game source material they're rooted from that they'd be unrecognizable without the title. Surprisingly despite his reputation he's even managed to rope some big names into his  movies. John Rhys Davies, Sir Ben Kingsley and Christian Slater are just to name a few.

But despite Boll's flaws, there remains one saving grace to the man: his cult following. Oh, you better believe it. There is actually a significant number of fans dedicated to watching Boll's movies...solely because they're so awful. As mentioned above, many of the errors are so laughable in his adaptations that it's hard to keep a straight face while watching it in its duration. Boll may be bad, but hey, he's giving the people what they want. That and he has at least one positively received movie to his name...Rampage.

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Is it.................MICHAEL BAY?

Certainly any of you who have curb-stomped every one of your old Transformers action figures after the year 2007 can put one face to that name...Michael "Macho Machine, Military Lovin'" Bay.

Even his own photos are riddled with product placement...

Which should we address first? His critically slammed and yet box-office record breaking hits, Pearl Harbour, the Transformers film series or Armageddon? Or how about the fact that his movie's are dominated with stock characters to the point of heinous racial stereotyping.

This director has yet to show a movie without a cast of characters with attitudes a junior high student wouldn't believe and shoehorning in super models who walk around everywhere in the skimpier clothes than you'd see on a cover of Maxim magazine. The comedy in his movies is usually immature to say the least.

But who are we to say that Michael Bay is full of nothing but frat boy humour? Why he has more dignity than tha-



Oh...WOW Mikey!
(Michael Bay in Mystery Men)

But here's where Michael Bay gets butts in the seats and dollars at the video store; his action. True, most of the time it's so fast paced and poorly choreographed that it's hard to actually comprehend what is happening in said action scenes, but it remains epic nonetheless. He knows how to ramp up the tension and throw an audience in the fray. Bay is well known for his Friday night popcorn movies and for that, he has developed billions in box office revenue.

In summary...Bay may be a fool, but he's a rich fool. And he always will be.

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Is it................TOMMY WISEAU?

Our "One Hit Wonder", ladies and gentleman: Tommy Wiseau.

Take a look at this face, people. This is the face of an underground LEGEND.

If you have ever watched the "black comedy" The Room(or bad drama, depending on whether Tommy's present or not) then you know exactly what I'm talking about. Because anybody who did watch that movie walked out with the following questions...

• What in the world was that?!
• Is this director nuts?!
• Who wrote this thing?!  
• Where can I buy a copy?

It truly is one of those phenomenon you won't understand until you've experienced it yourself, which this critic highly recommends. The Room has been labelled one of the worst movies ever made, turning what should have been your typical "Girlfriend-Cheating-On-Boyfriend" plot into a movie that is now shown all around the world for the fact that it's...crap.

The movie's direction drops story arcs (and characters)  off the face of the Earth without blinking and whatever story you can dig out of this film is just buried under ridiculous antics that...likewise...GO NOWHERE!

One key thing to remember though; The Room is his claim to fame. Aside from that and touring his movie around at the demand of his fans, he doesn't work on many other projects. Not really fair to judge a director's talent on one movie, no matter how bad it was received. 

And once again, Wiseau still is earning a following for his work and finding entertainment value. So he at least is getting something out of it. From what I can tell after meeting him...

...Oh yeah, you read that right...

He seems to be enjoying the attention and has a lot of fun with his fans. So if the guy's happy, just let him be, I say.

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So with all those candidates scratched off, let's meet the prime choice. The man, or rather men, who we shall now spend the remainder of our bad movie watching days, stapling their pictures to the nearest dart board.

People, I present to you...

 

JASON FRIEDBERG & AARON SELTZER:

THE WORST DIRECTORS IN HOLLYWOOD

Why choose these two "gentlemen" as the worst creators in the history of motion picture? Numerous reasons, my friends. And like bottles of wine (which you'll need plenty of watching one of their films) they just get stronger with age.

Let's begin my addressing their work. If you don't know their names then you likely know their productions. Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie, etc. 

Are we sensing a pattern?

Since Spy Hard - which this critic will admit, there were some entertainment buried in the rubble, though that's more Leslie Nielson's doing than these two schmucks - the directorial pair have dedicated their careers spoofing movies with pop culture followings. Date Movie was lampooning the characters of romance movies, Meet the Spartans was lampooning the movie 300, and so on and so forth. 

Just one teensy problem arouse from these movies that quickly became realized by about ten minutes into viewing...

ALL OF THEIR JOKES SUCK!

Friedberg and Seltzer's films revolve around the genre of comedy, but not one of their jokes sticks, the delivery is given with little to no effort or charm and the majority of their ideas strike viewers as more bizarre than enjoyable. 

It definitely doesn't help the movie's premise of parodying a genre when the film itself has almost nothing do with the subject matter. If you're watching Disaster Movie for example, you're more likely to catch badly written jokes about Juno or Enchanted then you are, oh I don't know, THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW!

What kills the movie's entertainment value is that most of the cast members, however little known they were at the time, have proven themselves in at least one audience or another to possess some merit of funny to them. But Friedberg and Seltzer just can't take a hint! Frequently the Mad TV comedy troupe joins their productions and the script their reading from is just so asininely torturous you're praying these young actors will walk away with some dignity after the wrap party. 

But making terrible movies isn't the main reason these two have have been chosen as the Demonic Duo of filmmaking. Anybody can make a terrible movie (as the list above clearly shows). Friedberg and Seltzer have a certain strategy to their careers and directorial style that seperates them from any of Hollywood's exiled...

THEY NEVER PROMOTE THEIR OWN MOVIES!!!

Oh, I don't mean they don't try to make the movie marketable to audiences. I mean these two con artists throw the same crap over and over again at the theaters, never learn from their mistakes and have yet to even respond to their critics!

If you don't even have the balls to step out and say either...

A) "We made a bad movie and we're sorry."

or 

B) "We're still proud of what we've made and we stand by our project."  

Then there's only one logical conclusion: these two are charlatans who know they've made crap, will continue to make crap and make a living off the money they know you paid to watch their crap. That's not just awful, it's downright criminal. 

In researching these two, I have yet to find either of them so much as sit down for an interview about their films and give you one bloody reason to go watch it. They can't even lie to the camera and say, "Hey, it's funny. Who doesn't want to laugh?" 

Friedberg and Seltzer's method of movie-making is nothing more than a despicable, get-rich-quick scheme that apparently they haven't even given up pursuing. And they know that as long as you hear the joint message of "_____ is popular" and "Here's a movie poking fun at it," the public will swallow any foulness they pour down its throat. 

I pray the audience come to its senses about what good entertainment means to them, instead of supporting anything these two frauds put out.     



That's not them laughing at their movie. That's them laughing at YOU!